You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
