Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize