I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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