We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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