totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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