it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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