what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
