I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
