The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I have aggressive nipples.
Randomize
