i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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