you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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