After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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