some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
