I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize