I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
