The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
