____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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