i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
