i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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