I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
