i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
