we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
