his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
