When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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