Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
