hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
