I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
