I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
