the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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