if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
