Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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