Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
