I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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