People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
