Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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