I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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