Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Farmville is her only friend.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
