Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
50% drunk capacity currently
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
