you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
