Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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