I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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