but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Randomize
