apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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