the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
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