It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize