I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
We left an ass print on the piano.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize