Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
