i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
