You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
