Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
