Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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