dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
