Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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