Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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