My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
