my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
The beer is more important than you right now.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
My liver just had a heart attack.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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