i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
