I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
