the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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