The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I enjoy the company of your penis
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
