I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize
