i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
