well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
