Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize
