I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
