what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
