Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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